Never "cured"

Eight months ago, I was diagnosed with PPD. Today, I'm still on medication and when I happen to run out and not have enough money to refill, I still have episodes. Today was probably one of the worst since my suicide times back in the beginning. It didn't help that the lawn mower I had purchased off of Craigslist caught fire the first time we tried to use it (a mere three days later), and while we were out running errands my cat knocked the screen out of the window and ran away. Luckily the elderly couple we bought the mower from were nice and gave us back our money, and after an extensive late-night neighborhood search on my husband's part, the kitty was found and returned home. However, I suffered probably the worst breakdown I've had in months.

It was Bad.

My son was whining, and pinching me while I sobbed relentlessly on the floor in a ball over my best kitty friend, and I couldn't take it. I tried to sit him down, but he did his "stiff as a board" thing and refused, so I just let him lay down, only I did it by kind of dropping his head, which of course hit the floor. He started screaming, and I realized what I had done and I started bawling harder. I didn't throw him or drop him from more than an inch or so off the ground, but I caused my little boy pain because I couldn't handle what I was feeling.

I literally felt like the worst mother in the world. An hour later, I still do. Who would ever, EVER do that to her child? It was pure evil of me. I called for my husband (who hadn't yet found the kitty at this point) and in between gasping sobs told him to give up and come home. I didn't trust myself anymore, and neither did my son. It broke my heart.

By the time hubby got him ready for bed, a bottle, and a story, he had forgiven me and most likely forgotten. He reached for his Mommy Snuggles like always, but my heart still ached. A part of me realized that deep down, Postpartum Depression is a lifelong affliction. I will never be "cured". This is the same part of me that is still very afraid to ever get pregnant again for fear I'll have to do all this horribleness over again... the preterm labor, the bed rest, the c-section recovery, the PPD... it's all too scary for me. What's even scarier is the fact that I will probably be on this medication for a very long time, if not forever. I never wanted to be someone who had to rely on some sort of head medicine to stay sane. It was enough I had to rely on prescriptions to breathe. But that is my new identity. I'm a mom who suffers from Postpartum Depression. Both are titles I will hold onto for the rest of my life.